This should be interesting...
It has been a LOOOOOONNNNGGGG time since I sat down and took the time to write...granted, I have had many things to write about since my last visit to the Blog-o-sphere, but for some reason this topic has been really, really, really tugging at my brain( and heart);
when that happens, the only way to get it out is to, well, get it out, so here goes....
I grew up with a mom that was not that great...at all...
Now, I know how most blogs nowadays will begin by saying something to grab your attention, and then they end up being some sort of ironic/feel-good blog that actually played on the wording of the title.
Sorry folks, this is not that type of party.
My mom...hmmm, how do I explain it....as I look back, trying desperately to find somethings that she constantly did as I was growing up that would make me smile...those things really are non existent. I honestly cannot think of the times she and I just laughed uncontrollably, just because, or the times she and I would just hang out, just because...or the time she would spend talking with me and listening to me ramble on incessantly about some nonsensical pre-teen thing...just because....
Here are my memories of growing up with my mom:
My mom was very serious about her work and her education
My mom thought (and told me frequently) I was an ungrateful brat
My mom read a lot of books
My mom liked to shop(for herself)
My mom had really cool friends
The long and the short of it is that my mom was very driven and she worked hard; we had a beautiful home (with a pool). We did travel a lot(military). And there was always a member of the family or a friend that was there to help her with the ungrateful brat(that would be me).
I realized the nurturing that I needed from her was not there, the "I love you's" were not given out frequently. She was there, to provide and she took that role very seriously, but that's about it.
.....so I guess the question is; why now am I spilling this,
am I hurt?
Yes.
Am I bitter?
Hell yes!
...but that's what therapy is for lol!
I am bearing my soul about this particular piece of me, because it all hit me like a ton of bricks recently....right after my daughter and I were being super silly, and laughing so hard in the kitchen, I think I peed my pants a little(sorry tmi???).
.....there is a huge difference between how I was raised and how I am raising my daughter...
I too am a single mother, I too have dreams and aspirations, I too am driven and would love to have all kind of plaques on the wall; but for some odd reason I would rather be there every day to pick my kiddo up from school, I would rather take my child to see her favorite boy band perform every time they come to town; and while I have great friends and family, I would rather be the face she sees when she wakes up and has to go off to school.
I guess in the grand scheme of things, I am an ugrateful brat; because my mom's drive did give me a nice looking childhood....but at what cost?
I don't have a billion letters behind my name
I am not that accomplished
I am very ordinary
BUT
I laugh with my daughter and not only tell her I love her, I tell her I LIKE her every chance I get.
Don't get me wrong, my child ANNOYS me to no end at times...ugh...but I try my best to remember that she is a child and she is going to do things that children do, it is up to me to not take the easy way out;
not to yell character assassinations at her, not to beat my chest in prehistoric fashion(speaking figuratively) and say "Because I am your mother", or treat her as if all she is there for is to do my bidding and carry out my orders as I sit on high...
It is up to me to speak to her, listen, and above all, respect her.
So I guess I should send a shout out to my not so great mom, because she has really made me the mom I am today; and though this parenthood journey is always an uphill battle....I stay on my quest to fit the pieces together.
Be Well, I am...now:)
